Please keep your most annoying words over "there".

I believe I have spoken before about my dislike for some British words - mostly the cutesy shortened words like "brekky" and "pressie", but I am embarrased to say that many of the most absolute cringe worthy words actually come from the homeland. 

May I take this moment to plead with all British people to not look to America for "trendy" new words and phrases? Words aren't meant to be trendy. If it's trends you're looking for, wear some Gok glasses or something.

In the same breath/keystroke, may I also beg all expats to make a concious effort to not import such words into the UK?  When you sell your furniture or terminate your apartment lease in America, please leave the following words with the new owners/occupiers:

Amazeballs.

Fail. (as a one word sentence)

FML.

I can haz.  Or whatever people say in that strange cat language.

Any words coined by the idiots on Jersey Shore.

Totes.

Ridic. (thanks to T for the "proper" spelling of this non-word)

It's bad enough that the American public has to hear these words/phrases. Don't you think that those of us who have moved away from America might be spared?  Maybe as a pity gesture for us leaving all of our friends and family (and Target)?  I think we deserve it.

Thank you for your comment...

I've just received the best comment of all time and thought it only appropriate that I shared it with you:

From "Anonymous" in response to my post re: Royal Warrants of Appointment: It is not the done thing to refer to Her Majesty the Queen as "Liz" and even the most common of commoners would not refer to her in this way. The majority of the British people are staunch supporters of the Queen. You seem to spend a great deal of blog time criticising the British way of life, this is insulting to the British readers who may happen upon your blog.



Dear Sir/Madam

Thank you for solving the mystery of who is marking every one of my posts offensive. I have been wondering about this for weeks!

Being non-British comes with certain benefits, including but not limited to, not being bound by the "done" way of doing things and not subscribing to the British idea of the class system, so I beg your forgiveness when I am not offended by you classifying me below the "most common of commoners".

If you have read more than this individual post in this blog (which do I need to remind you is MY blog?), you may have noticed that it is written in a very casual, often tongue in cheek manner, which would explain why I refer to Her Majesty The Queen as Liz (in MY blog, remember?) If you're honest with yourself, you can admit that she's probably been called worse.

As I can only assume that you have a lot of extra time on your hands, you may want to spend some of it informing the authors of this article, this article, and this one, and this one that they, like me, are bottom feeders and should show more respect.

If you find my writing offensive (and how can you? I haven't even touched on "Booze Britain" or the benefits culture yet!), I can only recommend that you step away from the computer and work on your stiff upper lip.

I claim it is actually you insulting the British people by thinking they would be remotely upset by the ramblings of a nobody blogger. If you are looking for a blog to blow hot air up your British skirt, may I suggest that this site may be more up your alley.

Thanks for reading and God Save the Queen.

xxLadyLiberty

Whats Wrong with the Words You Already Know (Pt. two)

I've mentioned before that one of my biggest pet peeves is when Americans move to the UK and on day two are already injecting British vocabulary into their everyday speech.  One does not wake up from jetlag with an entirely new vocabulary.  We agree on this, yes? 

Ok, lets move on to something more important -

If we believe Delaware University professor, Ben Yagoda, it appears there is an even more cringe worthy group of Americans adopting Britishisms... non-expat Americans.   There are apparently people in America using British vocabulary in place of their perfectly reasonable "American" counterparts.

Professor Yagoda, a man after my own heart, has set up a website* which tracks British words making their way into American speech.  He's grading words on a "pretentiousness level", with advert (instead of commercial or ad) earning a speaker three points, and saying someone "got the sack" when they were really fired hopefully earning the full four points.  

Yagoda seems to object mostly to words which have "perfectly good American equivalents, like 'bits' for 'parts' and 'on holiday' instead of 'on vacation', saying that they are "purely pretentious".  (here here!)

Not surprisingly, the author of the the article which brought this to my attention doesn't really understand why Yagoda is irked by this, claiming that "Americans are angry with us for polluting their language" and even writing "After mangling our language for years, Americans are complaining about their own dialect being polluted by 'Britishisms'".   In typical British fashion, the news is being presented in a way which puts the emphasis on the British side of things and becomes slightly competitive without realizing that Professor Yagoda is not accusing the Brits of brainwashing Americans to use their lingo, he's actually attacking Americans with this website, not Brits or their vocabulary.  He's saying that Americans who are adopting the vocabulary are pretentious twits making a concerted effort to sound "cool" and they are who he is angry with, not the British people.

Keep Calm and Carry On. 


*Sadly, I do have work to do today and have not yet been able to find the website.  I would be incredibly grateful if someone can pass the link if they are able to uncover it.

In Defense of the American Superhero

A while ago, I made a list of things that annoy me about British people and now, at the risk of being a bit offensive, I'd like to add to that list.

6. They personally piggyback on any British person's international success

Case in point... I am sure you have heard by now that Superman is the latest American superhero to be played by a British actor in a major motion picture. ....Wait, what's that, my non UK readers?  You havent heard about this?  Have you been living under a rock??...  No, you simply have been living anywhere other than in the UK where this has been a major headline on every radio programme, TV station, newspaper and news website I have heard or seen today. 

And why?  Who cares?  

The Brits (or atleast the British media) care.  They care anytime something like this happens, and they act as if it's a victory for the whole country.  Colin Firth (continually refered to as British actor, Colin Firth) winning the Best Actor Golden Globe was top news, delivered with undertones of patriotism and national triumph, but did anyone care which film won Best Picture?  Of course not, because it wasn't British (even though there was one Britsh actor in it).   I dont blame British people for not caring about meaningless American entertainment award shows, but either care or dont care. Why the cherry picking?  Do they actually think it reflects positively on Britian for a British actor who has left traditional "British" arts such as the theatre for the bright lights of Hollywood to win a silly award?

When Natalie Portman won her award, did the American media continually refer to her as "American Natalie" and wave the stars and stripes behind her?  

And back to Superman  - Telegraph journalist Andrew Lowry took this "big news" even futher saying that Henry Cavill (the next Superman) and Andrew Garfield (the next Spiderman), both born in 1983 are young but somehow don't "feel" young - whatever that means - and goes so far to say that Jesse Eisenberg (who he seems to think is the only young American actor around) is "a fine actor, but not a man you’d expect to hit the gym to get some bullet-repelling abs, or swing around on the elaborate rigs needed to simulate Spiderman’s powers, or to wield the authority needed to take all Gotham’s troubles on his shoulders," and continued to ask "what does it say about young American men that the avatars of their iconic heroes need be imported in from the UK?"

And he's not done yet... His article concludes: "Nerd culture has taken root across the Atlantic far deeper than over here, and while fumbling, awkward boy-men are ideal for The Social Network and Scott Pilgrim, when it comes to men of steel, casting agents seem to be forced to cast their net wider, to somewhere where dorkery is not seen as an aspiration for a young man."

So, let me get the straight (and try to act surprised by this predictable response)... a member of the British media has taken the casting of a British born actor in the role of an American superhero to imply that all young American men are "dorks"?  

Nice one, mate, but the truth is that superheros are supposed to be "the boy next door". That's part of their appeal. Lois Lane didnt know that  Clark Kent was superman becuase all she saw was that "dork" in glasses and that whatever-her-name-Kirstin-Dunst-character didnt know Peter Parker was Spiderman cause he was that "dork" that lived with his Grandma.  So, if a well-known American actor like Zac Effron or (my personal mini-crush) Chase Crawford was cast as a superhero, this image of a relatable, everyday, normal young man would be harder to get across.  Very few people will look at Henry Cavill and say "oh yeah, that was that guy from the Tudors".  No one will recognize him without his period costume and, so with a good American accent, he can easily be your (very!) handsome boy next door turned flying superhero.  His British-ness will not even feature and is a non-issue.

You got me? 

Oh, and by the way, there will always only be one real Superman.

American Actor, Christopher Reeve

Mistakes Expats Make: Trying Too Hard

This is a major, major bug bear of mine.  You know those things that just make you want to slap someone across the face and not feel guilty about doing it?  That's what this is for me, so I should warn you in advance that some potentially offensive ranting may follow...

I nose around on a few expat discussion forums and I always cringe when I see topics anywhere along the lines of "I feel so British", or "What did I just say?", or the worst one "So and so said I have an accent".  Innocent enough topics, but if you dare to open any of the many responses you will see immediately that people are trying SO pathetically hard to be "British" (or Scottish, or Irish or Welsh or English, or whatever they think they want to be) and it makes me want to scream.  

There are four types of people who continually pop up in discussions like these:

1.  The ones who admit they are doing it on purpose and intentionally fake an accent to "fit in".  Seriously, I cant even comment further on these ones...

2. The ones who act like they are embarrassed about something they've just said (I just said "thanks love" or "I just asked to borrow a fiver" and am so embarrassed ). If you are so embarrassed then why come on here and announce it to the world?  If it came out naturally, then why even mention it?   Side note: If you must forcibly add new words and phrases to your vocabulary, god forbid, get it right.  We don't want any more of these types of occurrences.

3. The ones who "admit" they love some esoteric British thing that other expats don't like.  Its like watching a competition in which they think they are being scored expat points for being naturally British or something.  For example:  I think it is safe to say that most Americans think the idea of black pudding is revolting, but there are always those trying-really-hard-expats who have to pull the "oh I like black pudding, I must be naturally British".  Yeah, ok... 
Or in discussions about TV shows - there are many Americans (me included) who don't get British humour but there is always without fail the expats who insist that they think its absolutely hilarious, claim they get all the jokes and "must have a very British sense of humour".  I'd like to ask one of them to watch a (dreadful!) Carry On film with me and explain the jokes before those expat points are awarded.

4. The ones who claim after living somewhere for only about a year that they now have a Geordie accent?  Oh please. (and why would you want one in the first place??)  Remember how everyone made fun of Madonna for picking up some seemingly forced accent?  Just some food for thought... 

Soap Box Alert:  Personally, I don't want to sound/act/be British.  I'm not British.  Even when I have a British passport and am a British citizen I will never consider myself British. I am a person who lives in Great Britain, but not a British person.  There is a profound difference between those two things in my mind.

My unsolicited advice:   If you pick up new words and phrases and they come out naturally (because this will happen to everyone), then use them, but don't force the assimilation process.  Don't be embarrassed that you prefer McDonald's to traditional fish and chips.  Don't stop drinking Coors Light because you think its more "British" to drink John Smith's.  Don't agree with people who say the original Office is the best comedy ever on TV even though you know Family Guy is much MUCH funnier.  Be who you truly are... not what you think the British version of yourself should be.

Important Announcement

In an effort to provide a bit of respite from the inundation of the irritating minutia surrounding the Royal Wedding, I am officially declaring this blog to be a William and Kate-Free Zone!  The inescapable media coverage will only get worse as we get closer to the wedding and will continue long after.  I dread the day Waity Katie is spotted at a dress store, and shudder at the thought of all the wannabes who will undoubtedly model their own weddings after someone they have never and will never meet.  A Royal Wedding, while romantic to those who still daydream of becoming a Princess, is entirely inconsequential to the real lives of the majority of the people of this country and I, for one, refuse to be sucked in.

Congratulations to the happy couple, but may I suggest elopement?

Attn: Katy Perry

Just as I was looking for a real reason (as if the latex dresses and complete overexposure were not enough) to be outwardly anti-Katy Perry, the woman herself has given me a beautiful gift in today's Daily Mail.  Take a look at this article and meet me back here...

I hope you were able to make it past the ridiculous gummy bear ring(s) to see where Ms Perry said "One of the first things I'll do [following her marriage to Russel Brand, one of the ugliest men on the planet] is apply for dual citizenship."  (Shame on Alan Carr for not slapping her across the face for such public stupidity).  She went on to say "I'm not too sure if I have to take a test as I've not had time to look into it."

Hate to break it to you Katy, but you should look into it and then apologize to the nation for assuming that just because you have married a British man that you are automatically granted all the rights of a natural born citizen.  Then apologize to all the American ex-pats who have to deal with people thinking we get a free ride and holding it against us.
For the record: you cannot apply for British citizenship upon marriage.  When you marry Russel (puke), you may apply for a spouse visa which will last 28 months just like mine.  Be sure to tell one of your minions to then apply on your behalf for another visa (which is currently known as Indefinite Leave to Remain) prior to the expiration of said spousal visa.   Not until you have had this ILR visa for at least one year can you then apply for citizenship, and yes, there is a test involved. 
Furthermore, you must have not spent more than 270 days outside the United Kingdom during the three-year period and no more than 90 days outside the UK in the last 12 months of the three-year period...  due to your busy performance schedule, it would appear that you may never be eligible for citizenship.  Isn't that a shame?

What's wrong with the words you already know?

I hate to focus again on something negative and another topic related to vocabulary, but I'm afraid I've got another gripe: new American ex-pats who unnaturally adopt new vocabulary.

Notice the use of the word "unnaturally". I am not talking about calling the trunk of your car "the boot" , or referring to underwear as "pants". These translation are actually necessary when moving to a new country as the use of the familiar American term can cause confusion.

What I am talking about is mostly slang or words that you have never used in your American life before moving to the UK.

Case in point, taken directly from an ex-pat forum when speaking about the sweet dish often eaten after one's evening meal:

"I didn't need any seconds tonight. Had lunch at a pub and was well full after tea!"

Really? C'mon. What you mean is that you didn't need any DESSERT. You had lunch at a pub and were VERY full after DINNER. Why oh why do people do this? Especially when your audience is mostly American?? Not to mention that saying "well full" makes you sound like an idiot. It is one of those words/phrases that no American, no matter how long they have been living in Britain cannot say without making a dick out of themselves. Others include: bloody and chuffed. Any Americans who use these words are forcing it and should be slapped.

Although my example above gets at least one point for using the terms correctly, which is more than can be said for at least one other ex-pat I know. I saw a status on an ex-pat's Facebook not long ago that said "I really should be cleaning the house, but I just cant be asked". Oh dear. Certainly you mean: I just can't be arsed which is a slangy way of saying you can't be bothered?

Words fail me.

My unsolicited advice: don't try so hard and if you must, make sure you get it right. Even a quick Google search of the word or phrase you think you have learned will save you from looking like a fool.

Dinner is tea lols

It happened not long after I moved to England - I realised most other immigrants annoyed the hell out of me. Their blogs annoyed me, their Facebook updates annoyed me, their regales of their first {insert British Experience here} annoyed me and perhaps most of all, the conclusions they have come to based on their limited experiences made me want to gouge my eyeballs and eardrums out. My new country seems to have its fair share of new (and even a "veteran") ex-pat who think that they have sorted out everything about the UK and it's natives based on their own life in Yorkshire or Blackpool or Glasgow or even London. Surely, I am not the only American who learned about the slippery slope that is stereotyping. The classic example is Americans who move to the North of England, hear their Mother-in-Law invite them to 'tea' and then upon their return from what actually turned out to be a meal in the evening, report back to their family and friends that "British people call dinner 'tea' lol." Ugh.

The actual fact is that some people in England, mostly in the North of the country refer to their evening meal as 'tea'. All British people (I can speak for most of us in the South-East) certainly do not and as unimportant as it is, it is spreading a fallacy and aggravates me.

Luckily for them (and me), their stupid comments never leave their blog pages, forum posts or Facebook, but a few days ago, this article was brought to my attention... I will leave you to read and make that finger-in-mouth-gag-me motion if necessary....

Are you kidding me!?! She is actually attempting to make a generalization about London - one of the most diverse cities in all of the world!? What men has she been meeting? She makes them all out to be do-gooder chaps who bow at the feet of women. That certainly hasnt been my experience (especially not in London). She should go up to Dizzee Rascal's hood in North London and see if she's still up in the clouds with this dreamy idea of all men being Hugh Grant.

I feel a twinge of guilt when I say this, but seriously, other American immigrants irk me.

My unsolicited advice: Its should go without saying, but don't assume your small circle of friends/family/coworkers is representative of an entire nation.