The post in which I applaud the UKBA

Not that you would have noticed since the media is wall to wall coverage with "Hackgate" ( I am so over it personally), but there have been two rather interesting news pieces regarding immigration in the last week.

It started with the UKBA's consultation on family migration which laid out suggestions (only suggestions at this point) for some changes to the family migration path (spouse visas, family visitor visas, dependent children, elderly depenedent visas, etc).  The document is wordy, but you really should read it.  The following suggestions stood out the most to me:

1. The creation of something that resembles a UK Bill of Rights which will superceed ECHR article 8.  The consultation reads: This government believes in human rights. Everyone has a right under ECHR Article 8 to respect for their private and family life, but it is not an absolute right. It is legitimate to interfere with the exercise of that right where it is in the public interest to do so, and in particular where it is necessary for public protection or for the economic well-being of the UK, which includes maintaining our immigration controls.

2. The consulation also appears to suggest that the maintance requirements will be increased and that the sponsor in the UK shall not be reliant on public funds.  Family migrants must have access to enough money to support themselves, without their British citizen or UK-resident spouse or partner seeking, or needing, help from the taxpayer. We do not want to see migrant families struggling to get by, living in overcrowded housing or dependent on welfare. If as a British citizen or a person settled here, you cannot support your foreign spouse or partner in a reasonable way of life in the UK, you cannot expect the taxpayer to do so for you. This consultation paper sets out how we propose to change the maintenance and other requirements for those sponsoring a spouse or partner to ensure that this is so.

It goes on to quote the maintenance requirements for other countries including Denmark which says that all sponsors be able to maintain spouse and the sponsor cannot have claimed benefits in the three years prior to a marriage application.  But the Danes don't stop there - the sponsor must also post a bond of around £12,000(!) against any future claim on public funds. 

3. There is also a suggestion to extend the probationary period before spouses and partners can apply for settlement (ILR) to five years.  I have to say that eventhough I am just about two weeks away from being able to apply for my ILR, I totally agree with this suggestion.  In the instance of a sham marriage or "marriage of convenience", two years is not long enough to test the genuiness of the relationship.  Nor, in my opinion, is two years long enough to have "earned" access to all state benefits (especially if the migrant has never worked in the UK).  The consulation futher explains:  Access to the labour market, to the NHS (including maternity services) and to schooling will be unaffected by this change. Family migrants in work will continue to have access to contributory benefits (for example contribution-based jobseeker‟s allowance, statutory maternity pay, maternity allowance and widow's benefit) once they have made at least 2 years National Insurance contributions, and the entitlement of the spouse or partner who is a British citizen or is settled here to child benefit and child tax credit will be unaffected.

4. In the instance of a spouse visa, the couple should be in a relationship for at least 12 months before applying and the applicant should have an "attachment" to the UK.   Where the couple cannot meet this criterion, for example because theirs is or will be an arranged marriage and they have not yet been together as a couple for that period, we could grant 12 months‟ initial temporary leave to enable them to meet this criterion, and ask them to apply for further leave after 12 months. This would enable a further assessment to be made at that point of whether theirs is a genuine and continuing relationship. The document again quotes the Danish system re: the "attachemnt critera":  In order to meet the attachment requirement, the applicant for a marriage visa must have visited Denmark at least twice and the sponsor must have resided legally in Denmark for 15 years. The attachment requirement is not applicable if either party has held Danish citizenship or resided legally in Denmark for at least 28 years.

I won't bother too much with my own opinion since it matters very little, but bravo, UKBA, bravo.


In other news:  An American woman apparently thought it was ok for her to come to the UK on a visitors visa, settle permanently and start a family and is now arguing that she should be allowed to stay without ever being granted a settlement visa.  Tragically, she lost her baby, which is very sad, but I am glad that the UKBA don't appear to be ready to allow her to use the baby's death as reason why she should be allowed to skip all the proper steps of immigration.  I think she should consider herself lucky that all they are asking is that she return to the US to do things the proper way.

There.. now don't you feel very well informed? :)

So You Want to Expatriate...?

...but can't decide where to go?   I'd cross Luanda in Angola off my list if I were you as its just been named the city with the highest cost of living for expats. 

As far as I can gather, this survey is done mostly for global companies who may be moving staff to various places around the world. Cities are ranked by the "strength or weakness of the relevant currency against the US dollar over the prior 12 months" and "price movements over the prior 12 months compared to those in New York City". 

The top five most expensive cities are Luanda, Tokyo, N'Djamena (Chad), Moscow and Geneva.  (I'll give out major brownie points to anyone smarter than me who can figure out why it would be so expensive to live in Angola or Chad)

If you're sure you want to end up in the UK, it will come as no surprise that a move to Scotland or Northern Ireland would be much more affordable than living in London. (duh).   The UK cities on the list included London (18), Aberdeen (144), Glasgow (148) Birmingham (150) and Belfast (178).

Wondering what the least expensive place to live is?   At number 214, Karachi in Pakistan is at the bottom of the list. 

The Ranch Dressing Fixation

What is it with American expats and ranch dressing?  I like a good splodge of ranch just as much as the next person and will choose ranch as my dip of choice for french fries, mozzarella sticks, carrots, pizza crust and just about anything else dippable, but I am continually amazed at how many expats act as if they've lost an arm when they lose the ability to buy ranch dressing at their local grocery store.

Photo: Facebook

Not surprisingly, ranch dressing has been the most popular salad dressing in America since 1992 and can be found in just about any restaurant and any store that sells food of any kind.  An American who has lived in America their whole lives couldn't dare to imagine a day the creamy goodness wasn't readily available... Until they move to the UK....

Here's what happens:   A happy expat gets up the courage to visit his/her local supermarket (as discussed previously here) ready to stock their undersized UK fridge with a few necessities and head to the condiment aisle.  Ketchup? "Check".  Mustard? "Where's the French's bright yellow stuff? That’s ok. I can do without the mustard"   Ranch dressing? ....  Ranch dressing? .....  The salad dressing shelves are nearly bare in comparison to the heaving shelves they are used to in America and there is NO RANCH DRESSING.  Gasp!  Bring on the heaving breathing, the heart palpitations and try not to faint.   Sit down while I tell you that it's true - 99% of grocery stores in the UK will not sell ranch dressing.   Do not panic.  You will survive without it.  And more importantly, it doesn’t make this a bad place because it's natives do not enjoy the fatty (15 grams of fat in 2tbs) creaminess that is ranch dressing.  

My unsolicited advice: You know that saying "when in Rome"?  Well, if you're a recent expat or thinking of making the move, you're in (or will be in) "Rome" now and don't make it harder on yourself by dwelling on the unavailability (is that a word?) of silly things like ranch dressing, or Triscuts, or Paul Newman salad dressing or whatever you're having trouble finding UK. Have a bit of fun trying out local alternatives or if you must have your ranch fix, order it from one of the very many American food vendors (my favourite is this one).  Remember, there is more to life than popular American condiments, no matter how delicious and versatile they may be.

When Pronunciation Matters

I had a meeting in London earlier in the week and as usual found myself surrounded by American accents (are there really that many Americans in London??) and overheard what to me is worse than nails on a chalkboard - "how do we get to lie-shester square?

Oh no they di'int!

Ok so I know you can't really blame them.. How are they to know? But for any new or aspiring expats out there, I thought I'd save you potential future embarrassment with a little pronunciation guide.*

The tourist Mecca that is Leicester Square is pronounced less-ter square.  Same for the county in the north called Leicestershire - it's pronounced Less-ter-sher (do note that the -shire suffix is not pronounced shy-er.) 

Other counties that can sometimes cause confusion are Derbyshire and Berkshire.  In both instances, the second consonant is pronounced as an A rather than an E.  Derbyshire = darby-sher (or actually more like darbeh-sher really) and Berkshire = bark-sher.

Others bound to trip people up:
Southwark = suth-eck
Ruislip = rye-slip
Gloucestershire = glosster-sher

In addition to the -shire suffix, there are a few others which will come up frequently.  If you master these, you will greatly reduce the risk of making an ass out of yourself:
-ham = -em
-mouth = -meth
-wick = -ick
-borough = -bra (kind of)

Still confused?  Lookie here - there's even a website that has sound files of people pronouncing words.

I should mention I had a bit of an argument about pronunciation once - another expat told me she would continue to say these words (including town/city/county names) however she wanted because she claimed it was her accent rather than a blatant mispronunciation, but I disagree strongly.  I'm not saying that you should start saying al-loo-min-ee-um or to-mah-to, but in my opinion, Derbyshire, Berkshire, Southwark, etc are proper names of places in England and therefor should be said the proper way as determined by the people of England, not the way a "foreigner" thinks they should be said.  (Attn: people who say Bear-ick Obama, pay attention to this rule!)

Happy Pronouncing!  (oh and if you are moving to or new to Wales, may the force be with you)

*important to mention these pronunciations may vary slightly depending on the region to which you move. I live in the Home Counties, so keep that in mind.

Mistakes Expats Make: Trying Too Hard

This is a major, major bug bear of mine.  You know those things that just make you want to slap someone across the face and not feel guilty about doing it?  That's what this is for me, so I should warn you in advance that some potentially offensive ranting may follow...

I nose around on a few expat discussion forums and I always cringe when I see topics anywhere along the lines of "I feel so British", or "What did I just say?", or the worst one "So and so said I have an accent".  Innocent enough topics, but if you dare to open any of the many responses you will see immediately that people are trying SO pathetically hard to be "British" (or Scottish, or Irish or Welsh or English, or whatever they think they want to be) and it makes me want to scream.  

There are four types of people who continually pop up in discussions like these:

1.  The ones who admit they are doing it on purpose and intentionally fake an accent to "fit in".  Seriously, I cant even comment further on these ones...

2. The ones who act like they are embarrassed about something they've just said (I just said "thanks love" or "I just asked to borrow a fiver" and am so embarrassed ). If you are so embarrassed then why come on here and announce it to the world?  If it came out naturally, then why even mention it?   Side note: If you must forcibly add new words and phrases to your vocabulary, god forbid, get it right.  We don't want any more of these types of occurrences.

3. The ones who "admit" they love some esoteric British thing that other expats don't like.  Its like watching a competition in which they think they are being scored expat points for being naturally British or something.  For example:  I think it is safe to say that most Americans think the idea of black pudding is revolting, but there are always those trying-really-hard-expats who have to pull the "oh I like black pudding, I must be naturally British".  Yeah, ok... 
Or in discussions about TV shows - there are many Americans (me included) who don't get British humour but there is always without fail the expats who insist that they think its absolutely hilarious, claim they get all the jokes and "must have a very British sense of humour".  I'd like to ask one of them to watch a (dreadful!) Carry On film with me and explain the jokes before those expat points are awarded.

4. The ones who claim after living somewhere for only about a year that they now have a Geordie accent?  Oh please. (and why would you want one in the first place??)  Remember how everyone made fun of Madonna for picking up some seemingly forced accent?  Just some food for thought... 

Soap Box Alert:  Personally, I don't want to sound/act/be British.  I'm not British.  Even when I have a British passport and am a British citizen I will never consider myself British. I am a person who lives in Great Britain, but not a British person.  There is a profound difference between those two things in my mind.

My unsolicited advice:   If you pick up new words and phrases and they come out naturally (because this will happen to everyone), then use them, but don't force the assimilation process.  Don't be embarrassed that you prefer McDonald's to traditional fish and chips.  Don't stop drinking Coors Light because you think its more "British" to drink John Smith's.  Don't agree with people who say the original Office is the best comedy ever on TV even though you know Family Guy is much MUCH funnier.  Be who you truly are... not what you think the British version of yourself should be.

Expats on TV?

What is it about Americans that make us fair game for jokes?  Is it "special relationship" between the US and UK that makes it funny rather than offensive to spread stereotypes about Americans?

I tuned into a new comedy show called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret and was surprised to find the show is about an American salesman who moves to the UK to sell an American energy drink in the UK.  As you can imagine, it is full of jokes at the expense of the American character not understanding the "British way" of doing things, including him trying to make a reservation for dinner at a neighbourhood pub and making a dick out of himself when he shows up (in typical 1800's England garb) asking for his reserved table.

I tried (I really tried) to not be offended by this show and see the humour in it, but reinforcing the same stereotypes over and over again are not really funny or unique. I realize I am probably not the best audience for this show since the character's experiences (being an expat at least) are a bit too familiar, but if you are going to produce a show like this, I really suggest you come up with a few more "American characteristics" to exploit.

Here's an episode if you have a more forgiving sense of humour than me and want to check it out for yourself.  (you have to watch a bit of advertisement at the beginning)

Grocery Grumbles

What is it about grocery stores/super markets/corner shops etc that make new expats freak out?  I'll tell you my theory: Most expats are actually wanting a reason to freak out and food shopping is usually one of the first chances they get.  

Let me explain... Most people in England have a store of some kind that sells food (call it what you wish) within walking distance from their home, so when a new expat can't yet drive and is left on their own for the first time, they brave a walk to the shop.  They walk in cautiously, look around nervously, pace the aisles looking for familiar items and become quickly unnerved when they notice they shelves are full of jars, boxes and packages of things they've never seen before.  If they do make a purchase, they muffle their speech as if anyone will care they have an accent and experience further angst when the person at the till (cash register) doesn't bag their items for them.   Then it seems many of these new expats run home to their comfortable computers and their virtual community of other expats and inform them all they have just been brought to tears by a trip to the grocery store.  Yes, seriously.  Don't believe me?  Send me a message.

And about that second part of my theory?  Why would any new expat want a reason to freak out?   For attention, of course!  If you don't have your first "isn't it silly what made me freak out" freak out, all the other expats and your family and friends back home cant mollycoddle you, remind you how brave you are for moving so far away (as if you've the only one who's done it) and marvel at how "weird" things are here. Duh!  

My unsolicited advice:  Don't think you're brave by going to the store - you aren't and it will just build it up to be something scary causing the above chain reaction.  Watch what other people do if you aren't sure of something.  Most stores in England will not give you bags unless you ask for them and very few will bag your groceries for you. Ask for a bag (don't be surprised if you are charged for it), bag your groceries like a big girl or boy and be excited about the cool new things you may have just purchased.   I suggest Prawn Cocktail Pringles. 

What's wrong with the words you already know?

I hate to focus again on something negative and another topic related to vocabulary, but I'm afraid I've got another gripe: new American ex-pats who unnaturally adopt new vocabulary.

Notice the use of the word "unnaturally". I am not talking about calling the trunk of your car "the boot" , or referring to underwear as "pants". These translation are actually necessary when moving to a new country as the use of the familiar American term can cause confusion.

What I am talking about is mostly slang or words that you have never used in your American life before moving to the UK.

Case in point, taken directly from an ex-pat forum when speaking about the sweet dish often eaten after one's evening meal:

"I didn't need any seconds tonight. Had lunch at a pub and was well full after tea!"

Really? C'mon. What you mean is that you didn't need any DESSERT. You had lunch at a pub and were VERY full after DINNER. Why oh why do people do this? Especially when your audience is mostly American?? Not to mention that saying "well full" makes you sound like an idiot. It is one of those words/phrases that no American, no matter how long they have been living in Britain cannot say without making a dick out of themselves. Others include: bloody and chuffed. Any Americans who use these words are forcing it and should be slapped.

Although my example above gets at least one point for using the terms correctly, which is more than can be said for at least one other ex-pat I know. I saw a status on an ex-pat's Facebook not long ago that said "I really should be cleaning the house, but I just cant be asked". Oh dear. Certainly you mean: I just can't be arsed which is a slangy way of saying you can't be bothered?

Words fail me.

My unsolicited advice: don't try so hard and if you must, make sure you get it right. Even a quick Google search of the word or phrase you think you have learned will save you from looking like a fool.

Dinner is tea lols

It happened not long after I moved to England - I realised most other immigrants annoyed the hell out of me. Their blogs annoyed me, their Facebook updates annoyed me, their regales of their first {insert British Experience here} annoyed me and perhaps most of all, the conclusions they have come to based on their limited experiences made me want to gouge my eyeballs and eardrums out. My new country seems to have its fair share of new (and even a "veteran") ex-pat who think that they have sorted out everything about the UK and it's natives based on their own life in Yorkshire or Blackpool or Glasgow or even London. Surely, I am not the only American who learned about the slippery slope that is stereotyping. The classic example is Americans who move to the North of England, hear their Mother-in-Law invite them to 'tea' and then upon their return from what actually turned out to be a meal in the evening, report back to their family and friends that "British people call dinner 'tea' lol." Ugh.

The actual fact is that some people in England, mostly in the North of the country refer to their evening meal as 'tea'. All British people (I can speak for most of us in the South-East) certainly do not and as unimportant as it is, it is spreading a fallacy and aggravates me.

Luckily for them (and me), their stupid comments never leave their blog pages, forum posts or Facebook, but a few days ago, this article was brought to my attention... I will leave you to read and make that finger-in-mouth-gag-me motion if necessary....

Are you kidding me!?! She is actually attempting to make a generalization about London - one of the most diverse cities in all of the world!? What men has she been meeting? She makes them all out to be do-gooder chaps who bow at the feet of women. That certainly hasnt been my experience (especially not in London). She should go up to Dizzee Rascal's hood in North London and see if she's still up in the clouds with this dreamy idea of all men being Hugh Grant.

I feel a twinge of guilt when I say this, but seriously, other American immigrants irk me.

My unsolicited advice: Its should go without saying, but don't assume your small circle of friends/family/coworkers is representative of an entire nation.