Please keep your most annoying words over "there".

I believe I have spoken before about my dislike for some British words - mostly the cutesy shortened words like "brekky" and "pressie", but I am embarrased to say that many of the most absolute cringe worthy words actually come from the homeland. 

May I take this moment to plead with all British people to not look to America for "trendy" new words and phrases? Words aren't meant to be trendy. If it's trends you're looking for, wear some Gok glasses or something.

In the same breath/keystroke, may I also beg all expats to make a concious effort to not import such words into the UK?  When you sell your furniture or terminate your apartment lease in America, please leave the following words with the new owners/occupiers:

Amazeballs.

Fail. (as a one word sentence)

FML.

I can haz.  Or whatever people say in that strange cat language.

Any words coined by the idiots on Jersey Shore.

Totes.

Ridic. (thanks to T for the "proper" spelling of this non-word)

It's bad enough that the American public has to hear these words/phrases. Don't you think that those of us who have moved away from America might be spared?  Maybe as a pity gesture for us leaving all of our friends and family (and Target)?  I think we deserve it.

Up Next: The Americanized High Street?

I am growing more and more disturbed by something - no, its not the apparent final breakup of Cheryl and Ashley Cole, its not that Colleen Nolan is leaving Loose Women, its not even how Amy Winehouse's father is handing out her clothing to fans in front of her house - what has me disturbed is the influx of American stores and products to the UK market.

The first major introduction (or re-intoduction actually) was in June 2010 when Taco Bell opened at Lakeside. Americans all across the UK rejoiced and begged Taco Bell UK to come to their town, and I will admit "back then", I was rather happy about this and pledged to go ASAP (although I never actually went until last weekend and strangely enough, honestly, it wasnt very good). Then you started seeing Mountain Dew (albeit some icky energy drink version) in every store, then I discovered (with absolute delight and now incredible guilt at my delight) that Bucca Di Beppo has a few restaurants in the UK, then Forever 21 opened on Oxford Street and news broke today that William-Sonoma will be coming to London in early 2012 ... and now disturbia has set in...Where does it end??

What's wrong with what is already here? I don't want my High Street looking like an American shopping mall. I don't like the idea that something is "better" because it's American. I like embracing the British alternatives for things I used to enjoy and discovering new things to crave. I like going back to America and re-enjoying things I used to love with new vigor and appreciation. I've already lived in America; now I live here and I don't want it to try to be the same place.

Am I the only American expat who doesnt embrace the Americanization of her new country? Am I the only one who now wants to go buy cheap clothes at Primark, eat at Zizzis and buy some overpriced kitchen items at Harrods in protest of the new American options?

I'm afraid I probably am...

The Grand National - By the Numbers

People have been racing horses in the UK as early as 200AD when Roman soldiers organized casual races in Yorkshire.* By the 18th century, during the reign of Queen Anne, breeding of thoroughbreds strictly for the purpose of racing began and continues today.

There are 62 race courses in the UK and countless numbers of betting shops where people placed over £12 billion (with a B) in bets in 2009.

One of the most biggest races of the year is the Grand National which is watched by over 600 million people world wide and asks a field of 40 horses to run at top speed (which is between 35-40mph for the average race horse) AND jump over 30 hurdles for four and a half miles.  That's right - FOUR and a half miles of running and jumping.

Now for some math... what does 40 horses + 30 hurdles + 4.5miles equal?

Answer: Twenty dead horses.

Since 2000, there have been 20 deaths (mostly due to broken necks) at the Grand National, including two at the lastest race which was run last weekend.  Note: this is just the Saturday headline race, not the other races in the annual three day event at Aintree.  There is also a jockey fighting for his life in a medically induced coma after being thrown from his horse.

The field is too crowded, the race is too long with too many jumps and despite the 150 specialist staff at Aintree who are supposedly dedicated to making the race "as safe as possible", the risk is still too high.

I appreciate hearing that the organizers of the race are taking the deaths of the horses seriously and that they aim to reduce risk in the future, but I cant help but think that it will take 20 jockey deaths (and who knows how many more horse deaths) before any changes are actually made to this sporting tradition.

I don't know if it will actually make a difference, but if you'd like to add your name to Animal Aid's petition to ban the Grand National, you can do so here.   Or if you'd prefer to petition to keep the race going, but make it safer, sign this one.




*says Wikipedia, anyway.  Don't hold me to it.

In Defense of the American Superhero

A while ago, I made a list of things that annoy me about British people and now, at the risk of being a bit offensive, I'd like to add to that list.

6. They personally piggyback on any British person's international success

Case in point... I am sure you have heard by now that Superman is the latest American superhero to be played by a British actor in a major motion picture. ....Wait, what's that, my non UK readers?  You havent heard about this?  Have you been living under a rock??...  No, you simply have been living anywhere other than in the UK where this has been a major headline on every radio programme, TV station, newspaper and news website I have heard or seen today. 

And why?  Who cares?  

The Brits (or atleast the British media) care.  They care anytime something like this happens, and they act as if it's a victory for the whole country.  Colin Firth (continually refered to as British actor, Colin Firth) winning the Best Actor Golden Globe was top news, delivered with undertones of patriotism and national triumph, but did anyone care which film won Best Picture?  Of course not, because it wasn't British (even though there was one Britsh actor in it).   I dont blame British people for not caring about meaningless American entertainment award shows, but either care or dont care. Why the cherry picking?  Do they actually think it reflects positively on Britian for a British actor who has left traditional "British" arts such as the theatre for the bright lights of Hollywood to win a silly award?

When Natalie Portman won her award, did the American media continually refer to her as "American Natalie" and wave the stars and stripes behind her?  

And back to Superman  - Telegraph journalist Andrew Lowry took this "big news" even futher saying that Henry Cavill (the next Superman) and Andrew Garfield (the next Spiderman), both born in 1983 are young but somehow don't "feel" young - whatever that means - and goes so far to say that Jesse Eisenberg (who he seems to think is the only young American actor around) is "a fine actor, but not a man you’d expect to hit the gym to get some bullet-repelling abs, or swing around on the elaborate rigs needed to simulate Spiderman’s powers, or to wield the authority needed to take all Gotham’s troubles on his shoulders," and continued to ask "what does it say about young American men that the avatars of their iconic heroes need be imported in from the UK?"

And he's not done yet... His article concludes: "Nerd culture has taken root across the Atlantic far deeper than over here, and while fumbling, awkward boy-men are ideal for The Social Network and Scott Pilgrim, when it comes to men of steel, casting agents seem to be forced to cast their net wider, to somewhere where dorkery is not seen as an aspiration for a young man."

So, let me get the straight (and try to act surprised by this predictable response)... a member of the British media has taken the casting of a British born actor in the role of an American superhero to imply that all young American men are "dorks"?  

Nice one, mate, but the truth is that superheros are supposed to be "the boy next door". That's part of their appeal. Lois Lane didnt know that  Clark Kent was superman becuase all she saw was that "dork" in glasses and that whatever-her-name-Kirstin-Dunst-character didnt know Peter Parker was Spiderman cause he was that "dork" that lived with his Grandma.  So, if a well-known American actor like Zac Effron or (my personal mini-crush) Chase Crawford was cast as a superhero, this image of a relatable, everyday, normal young man would be harder to get across.  Very few people will look at Henry Cavill and say "oh yeah, that was that guy from the Tudors".  No one will recognize him without his period costume and, so with a good American accent, he can easily be your (very!) handsome boy next door turned flying superhero.  His British-ness will not even feature and is a non-issue.

You got me? 

Oh, and by the way, there will always only be one real Superman.

American Actor, Christopher Reeve

What a Tease!

I read a headline in a newspaper today that claimed the lovely, unbeatable, perfect-partner-for-a-grilled-cheese-sandwich Campbell's Tomato Soup was coming back to the UK after an apparent two-year absence. I began to salivate and dream of steaming lunches on cold snowy days... and then was smacked into reality...

The truth is that Campbell's-branded Tomato Soup will soon be available in UK grocery stores in a what the article described as "in a dessicated can-free form".  One can only assume this means either a sachet full of power pretending to be the ingredients of tomato soup or a cup-o-soup which will produce a watery red-ish liquid in a red Campbell's-branded plastic tub not at all worthy of my grilled cheese sandwich.

What a disappointment.

Seriously, Campbell's, if you can't do it right, don't do it at all.  Please try again.

Mistakes Expats Make: Trying Too Hard

This is a major, major bug bear of mine.  You know those things that just make you want to slap someone across the face and not feel guilty about doing it?  That's what this is for me, so I should warn you in advance that some potentially offensive ranting may follow...

I nose around on a few expat discussion forums and I always cringe when I see topics anywhere along the lines of "I feel so British", or "What did I just say?", or the worst one "So and so said I have an accent".  Innocent enough topics, but if you dare to open any of the many responses you will see immediately that people are trying SO pathetically hard to be "British" (or Scottish, or Irish or Welsh or English, or whatever they think they want to be) and it makes me want to scream.  

There are four types of people who continually pop up in discussions like these:

1.  The ones who admit they are doing it on purpose and intentionally fake an accent to "fit in".  Seriously, I cant even comment further on these ones...

2. The ones who act like they are embarrassed about something they've just said (I just said "thanks love" or "I just asked to borrow a fiver" and am so embarrassed ). If you are so embarrassed then why come on here and announce it to the world?  If it came out naturally, then why even mention it?   Side note: If you must forcibly add new words and phrases to your vocabulary, god forbid, get it right.  We don't want any more of these types of occurrences.

3. The ones who "admit" they love some esoteric British thing that other expats don't like.  Its like watching a competition in which they think they are being scored expat points for being naturally British or something.  For example:  I think it is safe to say that most Americans think the idea of black pudding is revolting, but there are always those trying-really-hard-expats who have to pull the "oh I like black pudding, I must be naturally British".  Yeah, ok... 
Or in discussions about TV shows - there are many Americans (me included) who don't get British humour but there is always without fail the expats who insist that they think its absolutely hilarious, claim they get all the jokes and "must have a very British sense of humour".  I'd like to ask one of them to watch a (dreadful!) Carry On film with me and explain the jokes before those expat points are awarded.

4. The ones who claim after living somewhere for only about a year that they now have a Geordie accent?  Oh please. (and why would you want one in the first place??)  Remember how everyone made fun of Madonna for picking up some seemingly forced accent?  Just some food for thought... 

Soap Box Alert:  Personally, I don't want to sound/act/be British.  I'm not British.  Even when I have a British passport and am a British citizen I will never consider myself British. I am a person who lives in Great Britain, but not a British person.  There is a profound difference between those two things in my mind.

My unsolicited advice:   If you pick up new words and phrases and they come out naturally (because this will happen to everyone), then use them, but don't force the assimilation process.  Don't be embarrassed that you prefer McDonald's to traditional fish and chips.  Don't stop drinking Coors Light because you think its more "British" to drink John Smith's.  Don't agree with people who say the original Office is the best comedy ever on TV even though you know Family Guy is much MUCH funnier.  Be who you truly are... not what you think the British version of yourself should be.

Five things That Annoy Me About British People*

*This one requires a disclaimer.  I am going against my own advance and will be making sweeping generalizations in this post.  Please do not bother to comment about how the British person(s) you know does not do A, B, C or D.

1. British Newsreaders Pronounce Barack (as in Obama) Bear-ick.  What is this about!?  Its a man's name, you cannot decide on your own pronunciation for it or blame it on dialect or accent.  There is only one correct pronunciation and it is Bah-rock.  C'mon BBC - get it right.

2. "Cutesy" nicknames and shortening of words.  I think its mostly British women who are guilty of this one as luckily, I have never heard my husband or any of his male friends do it, but I seem to hear women say do this all the time.  Examples include:  "piccy" (picture or photo), "footie" (football), "pressie" (present) and "brekkie" (breakfast).  And these are grown people saying these words to other grown people.  

3. The relationship with the average British person and sunshine.  Refer to my post on 4 October for a full discussion on this topic.

4. I hate (and yes, I know its a strong word) when British people return from vacation/holiday in Florida or California (since those seem to be vacation destinations of choice) and think they are an expert on American culture.  They come back spouting nonsense about things that Americans do and what its like in America not realizing there is an entire country in the middle of the two coasts that are NOTHING like the vacation superspots they may have visited.  Sorry, folks, but you have not seen America if you have just spent a week in Disneyworld. 

5. The British obsession with tea.  I'm not annoyed that most British people like tea, I'm annoyed that the British people I work with (and I am sure they aren't the only ones) drink tea all day long. I dont like the smell of tea, I don't like the arguments over who boiled the kettle last, I dont like the way that using the last of the water in the kettle without filling it up again is a crime punishable by death and I dont like the "milk police" who demand explanations from their office mates if they dare to use the skim milk and unbalance the carefully calculated milkman order.
Tea creates hostility, although you can you see from the photo on the right, some people disagree...

Attn: Katy Perry

Just as I was looking for a real reason (as if the latex dresses and complete overexposure were not enough) to be outwardly anti-Katy Perry, the woman herself has given me a beautiful gift in today's Daily Mail.  Take a look at this article and meet me back here...

I hope you were able to make it past the ridiculous gummy bear ring(s) to see where Ms Perry said "One of the first things I'll do [following her marriage to Russel Brand, one of the ugliest men on the planet] is apply for dual citizenship."  (Shame on Alan Carr for not slapping her across the face for such public stupidity).  She went on to say "I'm not too sure if I have to take a test as I've not had time to look into it."

Hate to break it to you Katy, but you should look into it and then apologize to the nation for assuming that just because you have married a British man that you are automatically granted all the rights of a natural born citizen.  Then apologize to all the American ex-pats who have to deal with people thinking we get a free ride and holding it against us.
For the record: you cannot apply for British citizenship upon marriage.  When you marry Russel (puke), you may apply for a spouse visa which will last 28 months just like mine.  Be sure to tell one of your minions to then apply on your behalf for another visa (which is currently known as Indefinite Leave to Remain) prior to the expiration of said spousal visa.   Not until you have had this ILR visa for at least one year can you then apply for citizenship, and yes, there is a test involved. 
Furthermore, you must have not spent more than 270 days outside the United Kingdom during the three-year period and no more than 90 days outside the UK in the last 12 months of the three-year period...  due to your busy performance schedule, it would appear that you may never be eligible for citizenship.  Isn't that a shame?

What's wrong with the words you already know?

I hate to focus again on something negative and another topic related to vocabulary, but I'm afraid I've got another gripe: new American ex-pats who unnaturally adopt new vocabulary.

Notice the use of the word "unnaturally". I am not talking about calling the trunk of your car "the boot" , or referring to underwear as "pants". These translation are actually necessary when moving to a new country as the use of the familiar American term can cause confusion.

What I am talking about is mostly slang or words that you have never used in your American life before moving to the UK.

Case in point, taken directly from an ex-pat forum when speaking about the sweet dish often eaten after one's evening meal:

"I didn't need any seconds tonight. Had lunch at a pub and was well full after tea!"

Really? C'mon. What you mean is that you didn't need any DESSERT. You had lunch at a pub and were VERY full after DINNER. Why oh why do people do this? Especially when your audience is mostly American?? Not to mention that saying "well full" makes you sound like an idiot. It is one of those words/phrases that no American, no matter how long they have been living in Britain cannot say without making a dick out of themselves. Others include: bloody and chuffed. Any Americans who use these words are forcing it and should be slapped.

Although my example above gets at least one point for using the terms correctly, which is more than can be said for at least one other ex-pat I know. I saw a status on an ex-pat's Facebook not long ago that said "I really should be cleaning the house, but I just cant be asked". Oh dear. Certainly you mean: I just can't be arsed which is a slangy way of saying you can't be bothered?

Words fail me.

My unsolicited advice: don't try so hard and if you must, make sure you get it right. Even a quick Google search of the word or phrase you think you have learned will save you from looking like a fool.

Dinner is tea lols

It happened not long after I moved to England - I realised most other immigrants annoyed the hell out of me. Their blogs annoyed me, their Facebook updates annoyed me, their regales of their first {insert British Experience here} annoyed me and perhaps most of all, the conclusions they have come to based on their limited experiences made me want to gouge my eyeballs and eardrums out. My new country seems to have its fair share of new (and even a "veteran") ex-pat who think that they have sorted out everything about the UK and it's natives based on their own life in Yorkshire or Blackpool or Glasgow or even London. Surely, I am not the only American who learned about the slippery slope that is stereotyping. The classic example is Americans who move to the North of England, hear their Mother-in-Law invite them to 'tea' and then upon their return from what actually turned out to be a meal in the evening, report back to their family and friends that "British people call dinner 'tea' lol." Ugh.

The actual fact is that some people in England, mostly in the North of the country refer to their evening meal as 'tea'. All British people (I can speak for most of us in the South-East) certainly do not and as unimportant as it is, it is spreading a fallacy and aggravates me.

Luckily for them (and me), their stupid comments never leave their blog pages, forum posts or Facebook, but a few days ago, this article was brought to my attention... I will leave you to read and make that finger-in-mouth-gag-me motion if necessary....

Are you kidding me!?! She is actually attempting to make a generalization about London - one of the most diverse cities in all of the world!? What men has she been meeting? She makes them all out to be do-gooder chaps who bow at the feet of women. That certainly hasnt been my experience (especially not in London). She should go up to Dizzee Rascal's hood in North London and see if she's still up in the clouds with this dreamy idea of all men being Hugh Grant.

I feel a twinge of guilt when I say this, but seriously, other American immigrants irk me.

My unsolicited advice: Its should go without saying, but don't assume your small circle of friends/family/coworkers is representative of an entire nation.