Guest Post: Hospitality is just not the forte of the British

Guest Post (ie article stolen from news paper and posted on this blog) time!

Because we've all been thinking it: Come London 2012 time, what the hell is the rest of the world going to think of the infamous British customer service?

Take it away Simon Kelner... 
  
I was in Manchester last night, on an intensely private matter. Oh, all right, I was at a football match. Anyway, I was staying at the city centre hotel where I am a regular visitor. In the relatively short time I have patronised this establishment, it has changed names – and, I assume, ownership – three times, and in its latest incarnation it went from a hotel with a short, memorable name – just four letters – to one with a cumbersome, Americanised moniker – three words, 18 letters.

But no matter. It is clean, efficient, friendly and good value. There is nothing special about it, apart from the fact that, in my experience, British hotels are generally found wanting in at least one of those four categories. And that's before we even talk about the overheated rooms with windows that don't open, key cards that don't work properly (sorry to be a parody of a grumpy old man, but how I long for the days when you'd check in to a hotel and be given a key that was actually a key), staff who don't understand the meaning of service, and a dining room where everyone talks in a conspiratorial whisper.

It is a truism that comedy works best when it is rooted in reality, so the success of Fawlty Towers was in some part due to the fact that we had all had experience of similar establishments. The truth is, I think, that the British are not very good at the service industry. Servility doesn't come naturally to us.

Compare the way, in America for instance, you are treated at anywhere from a hotel or restaurant to a dry cleaners. My favourite story of the British service industry happened early one morning at Gatwick airport. I was having a cup of tea in one of the terminal's restaurants and I heard raised voices from the serving counter. I looked up to see one of the staff with his arms round a customer's neck, dragging him across the counter. "If you do that once more," he yelled, "I'll [expletive deleted] kill you, you [two expletives deleted]." The customer skulked off, and when I went to pay my bill, I noticed that the member of staff was wearing a badge. It read: "My name is Michael. I'm here to help you."

I remember a conversation several years ago with Tessa Jowell, then a Cabinet minister who had responsibility for tourism, telling me at a Labour Party conference that she'd just had a deputation from British hoteliers wanting government help. She said they might have had a more sympathetic hearing if she hadn't been paying an extortionate amount for a tiny room at a hotel where she was unable to order a cup of tea on room service.

It does make me wonder what visitors who come for the Olympics will make of it. The overcharging, the inefficiency, and the fact that many hotels seem to be run for the convenience of the staff. How many times I've heard that triumphant message, delivered with unfailing good cheer: "Sorry, the kitchen is closed for the evening." Whatever else, don't expect Team GB to qualify for the final of the 100 metres hospitality.

Text courtesy i Paper

2012 Beyond the Queen Awards!

Disclaimer:  if you are one of those expats who refuses to admit that anything in the UK could ever be as good as anything in America, stop reading now.   You are ineligible to vote in the 2012 Beyond the Queen Awards.

I thought we could play a little game and hand out some awards to either the US option for things or the UK option for things.  Sorry for the terrible explaination, but you'll get it as we go along.

Dominos Pizza.  A favourite in both the US and the UK.  Same logo, same quick service.  Different menu items. And the nominees are....

• Brooklyn Style Pizza (US)

• Pasta Breadbowls (US)

• Deep Dish Pizza (US)

• Double Decadence Pizza (UK)

• Tandoori Hot toppings (UK)

• Veg-a-roma toppings (UK)

 

Pringles.  Same lovely crunchy snack, same for-some-reason-exciting-canister-rather-than-bag containment method, very different flavours.  And the nominees are...

• Mexican Layered Dip (US)

• Loaded Baked Potato (US)

• Honey Mustard (US)

• Thai Sweet Chili (UK)

• Prawn Cocktail (UK)

• Curry (UK)

Discount "designer" department store type places.   Same double X, different second letter. And the nominees are...

• TJ Maxx (US)

• TK Maxx (UK)

Ps.  It appears that TJ and TK are not actually acronyms, but just arbitrary letters. Can anyone verify?


Cider.  Maybe not a very popular drink in the US, but there are still options.  And the nominees are...

• Woodchuck (US)

• Ace (US)

• Aspall (UK)

• Stowford Press (UK)

TV show that follows around generally annoying/stupid/spoiled/makeup caked people and passes it off as "entertainment".  Do any of these really deserve an award?  With reservations, the nominees are...

• Whatever the latest Kardashian show is called (US)

• Whatever show Snookie is on (US)

• Real housewives of wherever (US)

• Desperate Scousewives (UK)

• Made in Chelsea (UK)

• The Only Way is Essex (UK)

Intensifying adverb.  When an adjective by itself just wont do.  And the nominees are...

• Totally  (US ex. "That is totally awesome")
• Well (UK ex "She is well fit")

Cast your votes below!

Are we really that different?

My husband recently bought an iPhone 4S and I couldn't wait to play with Siri, the new virtual assistant who was supposed to issue reminders, verbally send text messages and much more.  We spoke of Siri before buying the phone and both of us called her a "her". "She will do this..."; "I'll ask her to remind me of that..."   

You can imagine our shock and horror (ok, maybe it was just borderline surprise) when Siri first spoke in a man's voice!  A male Siri!?  What on earth?   Soon after, I heard from a friend in America who was still calling his Siri a "she" and then it hit me - the US Siri is a woman and the UK (and apparently the French also) Siri is a man. 

What's this about?  Are we really that different that some marketing or development executive decided that British consumers want a male assistant and American ones want a female?   Surely this took more work to develop the two voices, so why bother?

I did a bit of research and found most studies on the topic of robot voices say that female voices are more pleasing and easier to understand. Some research puts this down to hearing the mothers voice in the womb.  Other theories related to the use of female voices in robots and computers hark back to World War II, when women's voices were used in airplane cockpits because they stood out among the male pilots. Also, since telephone operators have traditionally been female, many people have become accustomed to getting assistance from a woman's voice. 

This all makes sense to me, so why is the UK (and France) any different??

Apple refuses to comment on the UK male voice and the only theory I have come across was in the Guardian which claimed the reason for the difference is that 'British people mumble and obey authority, so they need someone authoritative'.  Huh?  I'm not buying into this, so my confusion remains...

Any thoughts from my loyal-ish readers?  (or am I the only one perplexed by this?)

Oh, and if you are in the UK and would perfer a female Siri, you can simply change the language to US English, but this will also change the accent of your new friend.  There is currently no option of getting a female British-accented Siri.

The "Perfect" Country

I've returned from the Homeland full of Taco Bell, happily looking at my bank statement reflecting the fabulous exchange rate, imagining how "perfect" a country would be if we meshed the US (or Colorado in particular) and England....

 
The perfect country would have wide roads and high speed limits and gas stations would have the little flippy latchy things that can hold the gas nozzel handle down to save my hand muscles the pain of filling up an empty tank.

After I had a full tank (oh, and everyone would call it gas) I would drive on the left side of the car on the right side of the road to a Target with a large parking lot which would be next to a pub which is next to another pub and a Toby Carvery that sold roast dinners complete with Yorkshire pudding and cheesey creamy dippy appetizers served by overly friendly waitstaff who almost have you convinced that they give a crap about your dinner. 

Don't feel like driving?  No problem - the perfect country would have a fantastic rail network that would take you to all the charming villages, up to the mountains with surprising snow and on nights out that would end in Denny's breakfasts. 

If we got sick, we'd have easy access to Nyquil and Codine, or if we couldnt fix ourselves, we'd be treated by friendly doctors who wouldn't charge us a dime and make us feel like we were worth more than five minutes of their time.  

We'd enjoy over 20 days of vacation without guilt and spend sunny Bank Holidays and Federal Holidays drinking Pimms Slurpees along side ploughman's lunches and Monster Munch in beer gardens that always had table service. 

:sigh:

Oh yes. It would be perfect. 

PS. Red is US and Blue is England.  Clever, eh? 

..but the actor is British

Sorry to labour the point, but as further proof of the argument presented in my last post... Take a look at this advert airing in the UK for the new season of House...

Seriously?  A trailer which focuses on the actor's nationality rather than the quality of the show itself?  That's what's going to urge Brits to watch the show?

Woe is me.

Enquiring minds want to know: Why the Orange Face?

The difficulty with writing a blog which often points out "differences" between two places is that (as most expats soon find out with surprising disappointment) one can only live in one place at a time. When I notice something that seems unusual or new, I often assume it is unique to Britain, when I really have no way of knowing since I no longer know the current goings-on in America. (Note to future expats: the day you realize this is probably the topic of a whole other, much more useful post, so let's not dwell too much on that at the moment).

Here's the thing... any readers outside the UK, can you please tell me - have your towns and cities also been invaded by Oompa Loompas?

Willy and his Oompas

I can only speak for Southern England, but the Oompa Loompas are everywhere!

There seems to be a fashion statement trending for girls of a certain age (seems like maybe teens to late-twenties) to wear orange make up. Its not just fake tan, its seriously orange foundation and bronzer that often doesnt match their neck, and is generally accompanied by lighter-than-nude lips and mascara that would make Tammy Faye Baker take a second look (if she can see through those globby eyelashes of hers).

I can't seem to post the photo due to copywrite issues, but you can see a fashion victim here.

What is this!? Do they know they look like this?  I demand to know where these girls' mothers/aunts/older sisters/etc are to teach them the fine art of matching the proper foundation shade to your skin tone and blending evenly past your jaw line. Is this a failure of British female role models or a global problem?

Either way, I'm certainly not the first to notice. Sometime last year, just when I started to think it was me - maybe I'm too old, maybe I'm not cool, maybe skin tone matching makeup is so last year - I was introduced to POD (the Personal Overhaul Device) and Snog Marry Avoid, a BBC show which takes overly made-up girls (and sometimes boys) and gives them a make-under to reveal their "natural beauty", all while taking jabs at their shabby make up application and dreadful overall apperance. Quality televion.  Highly recommended viewing.

Oh and if you are a young girl who even for a split second mistook that Oompa Loompa photo for a "girls night out" pic on your Facebook, Auntie Lady Liberty suggests a quick viewing of this Ehow video and Loreal True Match Liquid Foundation (not the roll on stuff, but the liquid in a bottle). It's good stuff. 

In Darwin We Trust

The First Amendment of the United States of America reads "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof ....". 

While there are crazy loonies in America who believe this message of a deliberate seperation between church and state was not intended by its writers, most well-educated Americans acknowledge our Founding Fathers formed the United States government as a secular institution.  

In contrast, there is no seperation of church and state in the UK, but surprisingly in my experience, the role of religion in government and politics is much more of a bit part as compared to the starring role religion seems to play in the American government.   

This is a UK £10 note...

Does that bearded man look familiar to you?  
That's Charles Darwin...you know, the guy who came up with the theory of evolution by natural selection?  Yeah, him... on official currency!

Mr Darwin was born in 1809. In commemoration of his 200th birthday (and because his beard is too awesome to be on only one piece of currency), The British Royal mint struck a limited edition £2.00 coin in 2009, of which I have only ever come across once.  

Let's compare this to the good 'ol American one dollar bill...

And American coins...

 

  

Yes, I realize this is just one example, but I ask you - which government actually is allowing their people to live seperately from the church?

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours".
~ Stephen Henry Roberts

Science Fair Experiment

I miss the science fair.  I have a theory that demands a 4th grade science fair experiment. 

Hypothesis:  British tongues are more heat resistant than American tongues. 

Not long after I moved here, I noticed that British people had the amazing ability to drink tea immediately after making it.  My coworkers would boil the kettle, make their tea, sit at their desk and take a sip (or swig sometimes) immediately upon sitting.   Then I noticed that incredibly, my husband could drink from a McDonalds coffee cup before exiting the drive-through, while I would have to wait until we were a few miles down the road before I would even dare to take a cautious sip.  The final straw was at a friend's house for dinner - all the other guests ate roast potatoes which had been removed from the oven only minutes earlier without blowing on them first! (how do they do that!?)

Something is definetely going on here...

Is it the love of tea that has made British tongues build up a tolerance to hot food and drink?  Perhaps they have been drinking straight-from-the-kettle-tea since childhood and have desensitized the nerves on the tongue? 

Materials Needed:  A few American tongues and a few British tongues prepared to be dipped in hot liquids and willing to sign a consent form releasing me from any liability.

I will report back on the findings of this important scientific experiement once completed.

For now, if you have a sensitive American tongue like me, you may be interested in this product which will save you from future burns similar to the one from which I am currently suffering after my bionic-tongued husband asked me to taste spaghetti sauce without blowing on it first.  Thanks, hubs.